When and How to Tell Children the Truth About Santa
As adults, we understand that Santa Claus is a symbol: a symbol for the spirit of selfless generosity and sacrifice which embodies the Holidays. We no longer need legends of a jolly old guy in a red suit to give us a sense of wonder and magic during December--we see it in the thoughtful gift given to us by a cherished friend, or in taking the time to perfectly wrap a present for a loved one. Santa Claus is a universal and secular figure because the values he represents are common in all the world’s religions and moral doctrines. An atheist can find as much power in Santa Claus as a Christian.
When we have celebrated more Holidays knowing Santa is a myth than not, we can take this for granted. It’s very easy for us to see that the Holidays begat Santa but Santa does not begat the Holidays. The same can’t be said for a child. That’s why “Yes, Virginia, There Is a Santa Claus” is a celebrated piece of writing, but few parents would consider giving it to their child to cope with this revelation.
Knowing the truth about Santa Claus is one of the first (and most important) responsibilities a child can be given.
With this in mind, it’s possible to frame this moment to a child not as a loss of innocence but a rite of passage towards adulthood. Internalizing the meaning of Santa Claus may be difficult, but safeguarding the legend is one of the first tests of maturity. (If your kid already knows the secret, and you want to prevent them from spoiling it for other kids, jump to my blog about that here.) When deciding to have that difficult conversation keep a few things in mind:
Ask your child if they are ready.
Most children start to doubt Santa Claus before they are ready to know the truth. If you assume their doubt means they’re ready to know all the answers, you might be depriving them of one last Christmas as a Believer. Sitting with the doubt and questions allows them to process on their own terms. Feel it out before you jump the gun.
2. When you know they are ready, think about your timing.
Telling them right in the middle of the Holiday Season isn’t the only option. If you break the news close to Christmas day, it might deplete the festivities for them. Think about telling them a few months before or after the Holidays, so they have time to get excited about their new role.
3. If you choose to tell them off-season, make sure to engage with them as the Holidays are approaching.
Ask them what they’re most excited about. Stuffing the stockings? Picking out presents? Taking a bite out of Santa’s Cookie? Hiding the Elf? Give them a new responsibility to look forward to and make their own.
4. It’s hard to say exactly what to tell your child during your conversation.
But once your child is ready to know about Santa, they’ve been thinking about it for a long time. Remember that this is a new phase in their life. Treat them like they’re growing up and they will appreciate the respect.
5. One thing that was very helpful for me was to present the transition as membership in a new club.
Talk about how exciting the Secret Santa Claus Club is! Be prepared with fun stories about how you created the magic for them, and how their grandparents did it for you.
6. Along with the fun parts of the club, there are important rules.
At this age, your child is probably happily taking on more responsibilities. Stress the importance of keeping the secret and protecting the magic for believers. You can even print out a contract. I made sure there was a rule sheet at the end of Secret Santa Claus Club when I gave the book to my daughter.
7. After they’ve had time to process, be sure to talk about what they should do if they see another kid spoiling Christmas for a believer.
It’s a great way to talk about bullies, having confidence, and how to be an advocate and ally to someone being bullied.
Remember that with thoughtful dialogue, it’s possible to continue a bond of trust between parent and child—even in a post-Santa life.
8. If you need more help….
I have lots of blogs about this subject, like how to keep your kid from becoming the bully, or what to do when another kid spoils the secret. I also blog about my own experience breaking the news to my daughter by writing a special book for her, and a blog about coming up with the Secret Santa Claus Club concept.
If you need more help or another tool to add to your toolbox—check out my book on Amazon and Barnes and Noble!